Throbbing Pole of Hot Man Chicken

WWJ~not~DO???

2010-08-31T09:51:00.002-05:00

I think it's safe to say, I'm going STRAIGHT to hell for this.

Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

2010-06-29T08:37:00.002-05:00

The End of the Raven
by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting
of the man I catch mice for.

Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched
above the chamber door.

"Raven's very tasty," thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more".

Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.

While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;

For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.

Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore-
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout
talking to a bird before.

How I've wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" -
then I heard him start to snore.

Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

Bored With Porn

2010-06-10T16:49:00.014-05:00

(1st Google image-search result for "Bored with Porn")

I am now completely bored with porn. I've watched too much, looked at too much, listened to too much. There's just too much porn.

There's soft-core, hardcore, X and XXX. There's blondes, brunettes, redheads, blonde-on-blonde, blonde-on-brunettes, and blonde-on-redheads. I've seen fucking, fisting, fingering, felching, and too much foreplay.

Oh, there’re blowjobs, handjobs, and rimjobs. There's chicks with dicks, chicks with strap-ons, and chicks who love chicks. I can't watch anymore dildos, vibrators, buttplugs, anal beads, love swings, whips, chains, handcuffs, or gags.

I will miss big tits, big asses, long legs, and dick sucking lips. I never really understood foot fetish, leather fetish, toilet fetish, or German scheisse videos. I did like teens, MILFs, barely legal, and over 40. There were voluptuous vixens, mature amateurs, bodacious bods, sexy swingers, and horny housewives. I liked drunk bitches, college bitches, dominatrix bitches, and just plain bitches.

Who didn't like nurses, maids, military, schoolgirls, and cheerleaders? I saw fit girls, fat girls, fashion models, and models of the day. I read Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, High Society, Cherri, Oui, Score, and Gallery.

And there's solo, one-on-one, 3-somes, and orgies. There's black, white, Asian and lovely Latinas.

There was nude celebs, nude models, nudists, and non-nude. I gazed at Danni Ashe, Alisha Class, Jenna Jameson and Jenna Haze. What about Veronica Vanoza, Veronica Zemonova, Silvia Saint, and Sonja Silva? And don't forget Jordan and Ginger Lynn, Christy Canyon and Raven.

I will miss them all. But right now, I'd rather watch Terminator 2: Judgment Day or Formula-1 racing on the Speed Channel ©.

Say Chee... Nevermind

2010-06-09T15:30:00.002-05:00

How do men recognize their wives wearing burkhas in public?

It's got to be something simple, like by smell or something.

Or maybe it's a little more complex, and It becomes second nature. Sorta like how a mother penguin recognizes her offspring in a sea of thousands of penguin chicks.

Anyone know?

Waste of Bandwidth

2010-06-04T12:58:00.004-05:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't they wear full burkhas over there in Iran'land?

Fucking stupid assholes.

Hairy Taco Haiku

2008-04-03T14:40:00.002-05:00

Beaver, Snapper, Mound
Pussy, Clit, Cunt, Bearded Clam
Coochie, Muffin, Slit

Oh the Irony...

2008-04-01T16:38:00.001-05:00

Not sure there's much I can add that this picture doesn't already say...

Superman is WAY better than Jesus

2007-07-06T10:26:00.000-05:00

“Why?” you ask…

-He can fly

-He saves the world on a regular basis

-He's not dead

-He's faster than a speeding bullet

-He can turn back time

-Screw walking on water, Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound

-He has defeated numerous villains

-He has a job

-He doesn't have a homosexual haircut or the fag sandals and robe

-He can fuck Lois Lane and Wonder-Woman and any other woman on the planet in the same night

-He has a better body

-He has a cool hair

Fuck the Whales (or, Gay Whales for Jesus!)

2007-07-05T12:18:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Passionate about Plus Size which I stumbled upon it during my “Next Blog” perusing…

There are a bunch of people out there who want to save endangered species. I'm certainly not one of those hippie fuckers, that’s for sure. I like animals, sure, but I'm lazy. Its way too much work to save an animal. First you gotta choose which one you want to save. "Well, B/S, how about pandas?" And B/S's like, "Fuck no! Remember the panda that stole my peanuts when we were at the zoo? Fuck him. Fuck pandas."

Fuck pandas. Fuck the whales, too. And walruses (or is it walrii?). None of these fat fucks ever did a single thing positive to society. When was the last time we thanked the majestic walrus for saving a kid who got trapped on an iceberg? They're too lazy.

That's another thing, the majority of the animals on the endangered species list are the fattest things I've ever seen this side of Marlon Brando's left ass cheek (may God rest his soul.). It's not the fact that we, as humans, do whatever we can to kill them, it's the fact that they're too fat and lazy to defend themselves. You think that if a Rhino didn't weigh the same as an SUV, that they'd be endangered? Fuck no! They'd be all about kickin’ some human ass! I know I would!

Another point: Some of these animals are endangered for a reason. Obviously these hippie fuckers have never heard of Charles Darwin, or the expression "survival of the fittest." If the animal you're trying to save can't survive changes in its environment, then it's not meant to live! And don't give me any of that, "Human's are causing unadaptable environments" bullshit. If I can adapt to Muslim extremists bombing babies and flying planes into buildings, (as hard as it might be), a whale can get used to a little gasoline in the water. Besides, it's a big fucking ocean!

Why Are Blacks Afraid of Dogs?

2007-06-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

(^^^Possible overdose?^^^)

I've noticed throughout the years that blacks are extremely afraid of dogs and small harmless cats. Me, being a subject matter expert, feel the need to try to explain this (I’m not really a subject matter expert, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?).

Was it because whites sic'd dogs on slaves when they didn’t act right or do what they were told? Or is it for the simple reason they see dogs as competition for free food and housing?

I say nay, it goes deeper than this. Let us go back. Back before "blacks" were known as "blacks" but were known simply as, "That dirty thing over there drinking cow blood and wallowing in zebra urine”.

Way back when in Africa, blacks lived by the motto: "obooka kukannaka ugg muufa ooofafa obaawatu" (translated), "He, who outruns the lion doesn’t die". Survival of the fittest was the name-of-the-game.

Africans (or, “blacks” as is more common these days) never had many actual pets in Africa. They either ate them, sacrificed them to some obscure spear-chucker god, or simply ran from them (as they do now). Some have even made a career out of the whole running thing (ie: Track and Field… Carl Lewis, Gail Devers, Jesse Owens, Marion Jones, Jackie Joyner Kersee, George Poage, John Baxter Taylor… need I go on?)).

I'm very happy with this outcome. I urge any single white female to own a large breed dog. Preferably an English Mastiff (all bark & no bite) or a Pit Bull (all bite & no bark) or else you will be viciously raped by a darky.

So, I ask you;

DO YOU HAVE A DARKY DETECTOR?

GET YOURS TODAY!!!

Dogs: Take Them From Behind

2007-06-21T11:44:00.000-05:00

(How could you resist this fat little fucker?)

I was going to call this 'Dog Fucking: The Way Forward' but that would have been a little too obvious. Now, on to the business at hand:

Most of you will be familiar with the practice of providing (often at the taxpayers expense) sick people, handicapped people, dying people, blind people etc, etc, with a dog to cheer them up. The theory, and it is quite correct, is that dogs are able to provide true and faithful love. And this of course is good for the recipient.

Why do dogs get used for this purpose? Partly because they are cheap, I suppose. But mainly because humans are incapable of providing love of the same quality that dogs can provide. It's as simple as that. Think about it for a moment and you will realize it's true.

Now. Why should only the diagnosed sick and dying be getting the benefits of dog love? What about all the people who suffer from sexual handicaps (ie: all of us poor, sad fuckers on Blogspot & Wordpress, or most of the world for that matter)? So many people suffer because they have no way of connecting with pure love and sex at the same time.

The obvious solution: Dog sex.

Of course, some adjustments to mental and social attitudes would need to be made. I must admit that I find dogs, sexually, rather repulsive. But I'm sure if I could overcome that squeemishness, the benefits of a sexual connection to PURE DOG LOVE would do me (and all the other sexual cripples in the world) just as much good as PURE DOG LOVE does cancer kids, the elderly, the blind, etc.

To summarize:

-Dog love is superior to human love and is virtually guaranteed to soothe the sick
-When trying to alleviate our sexual woes, we (usually) turn to humans for their inferior brand of love
-Obviously we should try the superior product (dog love)

Spear Chuckers First Werds...

2007-06-19T10:53:00.001-05:00

Got Jism?

2007-04-12T15:16:00.000-05:00

See how happy your jism can make someone? Not only will it provide her with a chance to produce yet another unwanted 3rd world child, but it may also enable her to live for just a few more minutes due to it's VITAL nutritional value. CHUG-A-LUG! CHUG-A-LUG! CHUG-A-LUG!

Apoohcalypse Now

2006-10-13T06:31:00.000-05:00

I don't usually post links to the bullshit I find on the Interweb, but this was too good to pass up without being shared with my good friend(s) here in the blogosphere
***

Before you click the link, make sure you have seen Apocalypse Now or read Hearts of Darkness.
Preferably both.

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2404060?htv=12

Twisted, yet one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Using Winnie the Pooh to act out 'Apocalypse Now' is genius. They should have been able to find some clips with a steamboat, or a rowboat, though. It would have fit much better.

"The horror, the horror"

"Oh brother, Oh brother"

I may never be able to take Vietnam or Hearts of Darkness seriously again!

The Mighty Brown Eye

2006-10-11T06:15:00.000-05:00

Listen. Hear that?

Brrraaaaaaaaaap

Is it you, O’ wise one?

What do you have to say?

Brrraaaa Bra Brraaaaaaaaaap

Yes, yes… I understand

Though your breath is stinky, your words are wise

Brap Braaaaaaaaaaaaa

Truer words have never been spoken

You are an inspiration to us all, O’ smelly brown one

Is there anything else?

Here, let me pull my finger

BRAAAAAAAA BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP

Oh! Are you angry my lord?

Have I displeased you?

I ate chili and cabbage as you instructed

Please do not smite me

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap

Those are words to live by

You give my life meaning

Without you I would be lost

Braaap

Poker

2006-10-10T14:05:00.000-05:00

“Poke"

"Poke, poke"

Carl was sitting in his armchair when his 5 year old son Reagan had come up beside him. Reagan had begun to poke Carl ever so lightly.

"Poke, poke"

"Now Reagan, what did I tell you about that? Please stop poking me."

"Poke, poke, poke."

Reagan kept on poking much to his fathers chagrin.

"Stop it, Reagan."

"Poke, poke, poke."

Reagan had a mischievous little grin on his face as he continued to irritate his dad. Taylor, Carl’s other son, had come up on the other side and started as well.

"Poke, poke.........poke, poke, poke."

"C'mon boys, daddy's serious here. Stop it right now."

"Poke, poke.....Poke, poke.....Poke, poke, poke."

Reagan and Taylor had continued to poke their father. His patience was wearing thin. At this point, Carl’s' daughter Tessa had come up behind his chair and started poking him in the shoulder and the back of the head.

"Poke, poke, poke....poke, poke, poke, poke......poke, poke, POKE!"

"OWW! That hurt Tessa! Stop that this instant, all of you".

They didn't stop. Reagan was now poking Carl in the balls. Taylor was coming dangerously close to his eyes, and Tessa was poking the back of his neck really hard.

"POKE, POKE, POKE.......POKE, POKE, POKE, POKE......POKE, POKE, POKE."

"STOP IT! DADDY IS GETTING REALLY ANGRY HERE!"

Carl was trying to fend off their pokes but was having a really hard time. He couldn't seem to block any of the pokes. He was wondering how, all of a sudden, his children had become superhuman pokers with lightning fast hands.

"STOP, STOP, STOP. I SWEAR TO CHRIST I"M GOING TO SMACK YOU KIDS IF YOU DON"T STOP!"

~THE END~

Jalapeño!!!

2006-10-09T08:19:00.000-05:00

Since the release of "Supersize Me" there has been a lot of talk about personal responsibility surrounding the foods we consume.

Personally I think that the fattening of the American and Western populace is directly attributable to the megalopoly of the American fast food industry. They say that they only provide fatty food because that is what is demanded by their customers.

Well, I think it is because of the crap they put in their food. Tasteless crap that the high dosages of fat help give flavor to.

Now, if it was me, I would be taking the fat OUT and adding jalapeños. LOTS of jalapeños.

That would help to clean out the consumer’s digestive system.

It would be a deterrent to over consumption because when their mouth is on fire, they will be less likely to reach for a second sandwich. Also they will consume less carbonated beverages because water helps to cool much better than Coke, etc.

Just think of the benefits this jalapeño enhanced diet would provide. Single-handedly the humble jalapeño could decrease hospital waiting lists, extend peoples lives, reduce the average fat-ass to waif-like proportions and give food a more flavorful edge all at the same time!

Chronic Master Baiter

2006-10-05T09:03:00.000-05:00

At what point should I begin to concern myself with my health and personal safety?

The blisters haven’t necessarily been getting worse because I think I'm starting to work up some calluses. I've learned to sort of ‘ride the pain’ but the condition of my hands is rather unsightly and horribly embarrassing. Try to explain this (see picture above) to everyone that asks!

So how much masturbation is too much? Once… twice… thrice an hour?

I'm afraid that if I take longer than three hours between sessions my humongous nuts will overfill and rupture.

Besides, it's like my only hobby – other than reading the bible and honing my ninja skills.

You bore Homer...

2006-10-04T07:57:00.001-05:00

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Can't See the Forest for the Trees...

2006-10-03T06:52:00.000-05:00

Are you where you want, what you want, who you want to be?

Regress back ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty years. Ask your younger self: "What do I want to be?" Now, return to the present and take a good look at where you are. How does it compare?

Have you "sold out" or “settled”? Are you doing something related to what you want to be doing? Who are you, really?

If you were being true to yourself, what would you be? Not every child grows up wanting to be a middle manager.

Following a dream can be daunting. Otherwise, people wouldn't insert the word, "pipe" before the word "dream" with such recklessness. Some members of society wouldn’t keep others down. Rather, they would allow them to breathe free; doing the writing, painting, singing, dancing, or other such creative work they really want to do.

Society is uncomfortable and sometimes jealous of those who are innovators. We sometimes frown on those who follow their dreams, unless that particular dream involves making money for someone else.

Is that what you're doing? Why?

What would you rather be doing?

Why do so few of us chase our greatest desires?

Is it the fear of risk, or worse still, the fear of failure? Are we that content to let potential pass us by?

Take a walk. Clear your head. THINK.

Why do we lose our imagination when we pass into adulthood?

Why don't more of us make it count?

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

2006-09-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

2...

ONE to screw it in.

And the other to suck my dick.

I'm back bitches!!! Miss me?!?