Friday, October 13, 2006

Apoohcalypse Now


I don't usually post links to the bullshit I find on the Interweb, but this was too good to pass up without being shared with my good friend(s) here in the blogosphere
***

Before you click the link, make sure you have seen Apocalypse Now or read Hearts of Darkness.
Preferably both.

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2404060?htv=12

Twisted, yet one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Using Winnie the Pooh to act out 'Apocalypse Now' is genius. They should have been able to find some clips with a steamboat, or a rowboat, though. It would have fit much better.

"The horror, the horror"

"Oh brother, Oh brother"

I may never be able to take Vietnam or Hearts of Darkness seriously again!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Mighty Brown Eye


Listen. Hear that?

Brrraaaaaaaaaap


Is it you, O’ wise one?

What do you have to say?


Brrraaaa Bra Brraaaaaaaaaap


Yes, yes… I understand

Though your breath is stinky, your words are wise


Brap Braaaaaaaaaaaaa


Truer words have never been spoken

You are an inspiration to us all, O’ smelly brown one

Is there anything else?

Here, let me pull my finger


BRAAAAAAAA BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP


Oh! Are you angry my lord?

Have I displeased you?

I ate chili and cabbage as you instructed

Please do not smite me


Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap


Those are words to live by

You give my life meaning

Without you I would be lost


Braaap

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Poker

“Poke"

"Poke, poke"

Carl was sitting in his armchair when his 5 year old son Reagan had come up beside him. Reagan had begun to poke Carl ever so lightly.

"Poke, poke"

"Now Reagan, what did I tell you about that? Please stop poking me."

"Poke, poke, poke."

Reagan kept on poking much to his fathers chagrin.

"Stop it, Reagan."

"Poke, poke, poke."

Reagan had a mischievous little grin on his face as he continued to irritate his dad. Taylor, Carl’s other son, had come up on the other side and started as well.

"Poke, poke.........poke, poke, poke."

"C'mon boys, daddy's serious here. Stop it right now."

"Poke, poke.....Poke, poke.....Poke, poke, poke."

Reagan and Taylor had continued to poke their father. His patience was wearing thin. At this point, Carl’s' daughter Tessa had come up behind his chair and started poking him in the shoulder and the back of the head.

"Poke, poke, poke....poke, poke, poke, poke......poke, poke, POKE!"

"OWW! That hurt Tessa! Stop that this instant, all of you".

They didn't stop. Reagan was now poking Carl in the balls. Taylor was coming dangerously close to his eyes, and Tessa was poking the back of his neck really hard.

"POKE, POKE, POKE.......POKE, POKE, POKE, POKE......POKE, POKE, POKE."

"STOP IT! DADDY IS GETTING REALLY ANGRY HERE!"

Carl was trying to fend off their pokes but was having a really hard time. He couldn't seem to block any of the pokes. He was wondering how, all of a sudden, his children had become superhuman pokers with lightning fast hands.

"STOP, STOP, STOP. I SWEAR TO CHRIST I"M GOING TO SMACK YOU KIDS IF YOU DON"T STOP!"

~THE END~

Monday, October 09, 2006

Jalapeño!!!


Since the release of "Supersize Me" there has been a lot of talk about personal responsibility surrounding the foods we consume.

Personally I think that the fattening of the American and Western populace is directly attributable to the megalopoly of the American fast food industry. They say that they only provide fatty food because that is what is demanded by their customers.

Well, I think it is because of the crap they put in their food. Tasteless crap that the high dosages of fat help give flavor to.

Now, if it was me, I would be taking the fat OUT and adding jalapeños. LOTS of jalapeños.

That would help to clean out the consumer’s digestive system.

It would be a deterrent to over consumption because when their mouth is on fire, they will be less likely to reach for a second sandwich. Also they will consume less carbonated beverages because water helps to cool much better than Coke, etc.

Just think of the benefits this jalapeño enhanced diet would provide. Single-handedly the humble jalapeño could decrease hospital waiting lists, extend peoples lives, reduce the average fat-ass to waif-like proportions and give food a more flavorful edge all at the same time!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Chronic Master Baiter


At what point should I begin to concern myself with my health and personal safety?

The blisters haven’t necessarily been getting worse because I think I'm starting to work up some calluses. I've learned to sort of ‘ride the pain’ but the condition of my hands is rather unsightly and horribly embarrassing. Try to explain this (see picture above) to everyone that asks!

So how much masturbation is too much? Once… twice… thrice an hour?

I'm afraid that if I take longer than three hours between sessions my humongous nuts will overfill and rupture.

Besides, it's like my only hobby – other than reading the bible and honing my ninja skills.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

You bore Homer...

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Can't See the Forest for the Trees...


Are you where you want, what you want, who you want to be?

Regress back ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty years. Ask your younger self: "What do I want to be?" Now, return to the present and take a good look at where you are. How does it compare?

Have you "sold out" or “settled”? Are you doing something related to what you want to be doing? Who are you, really?

If you were being true to yourself, what would you be? Not every child grows up wanting to be a middle manager.

Following a dream can be daunting. Otherwise, people wouldn't insert the word, "pipe" before the word "dream" with such recklessness. Some members of society wouldn’t keep others down. Rather, they would allow them to breathe free; doing the writing, painting, singing, dancing, or other such creative work they really want to do.

Society is uncomfortable and sometimes jealous of those who are innovators. We sometimes frown on those who follow their dreams, unless that particular dream involves making money for someone else.

Is that what you're doing? Why?

What would you rather be doing?

Why do so few of us chase our greatest desires?

Is it the fear of risk, or worse still, the fear of failure? Are we that content to let potential pass us by?

Take a walk. Clear your head. THINK.

Why do we lose our imagination when we pass into adulthood?

Why don't more of us make it count?